‘We're Sorry to See You Go’ by J. S. Loveard
We’re sorry to see you have chosen to end your subscription with us. We hope you have enjoyed your life™ and hope you can give us some feedback to improve life™ for other users. We hope the closing recap of your collected life™ experience from birth to death will assist you in providing this feedback. We are aware of the increasing scrutiny of and scepticism regarding life™ (though we object to the sexist abuse regarding life™: ‘life™ is a bitch’ etc.), and are determined to address any concerns raised. We take pride in feedback from users who have described life™ as a ‘miracle’ and are working hard to maintain this reputation by continuing our drive for waste reduction. Would you say the statement, ‘I used my life™ well’ applied to you? Do you agree, disagree, or neither agree nor disagree? There have been questions as to whether life™ should be extended, do you agree or disagree, or neither agree nor disagree? There have been questions about the level of suffering involved in living and how much of this may be appropriate as a motivator for personal growth. Was your amount of suffering too much, too little, or just right? There have been questions about whether or not life™, prior to the point of delivery, should be optional, agree or disagree or neither agree nor disagree? There have been recent questions around quality of life™ that we are working hard to address. Do you have any suggested improvements we can make? There have been concerns about certain aspects of the life™ journey. There have been concerns that the difficulty settings are too hard, agree, disagree, or neither agree nor disagree? One concern, for example, is that early stages of life™ were too determinative in relation to the rest of the life™ experience. Regarding this, do you agree or disagree or neither agree nor disagree? In addition, there have been concerns that later stages have not had adequate preparations for end-of-life™, agree, disagree or neither agree nor disagree? Do you feel you had adequate access to good quality life™ advice, agree, disagree, or neither agree nor disagree? Do you feel that so-called life™ hacks were insufficient in terms of tackling life™’s sometime deep problems, agree or disagree or neither agree nor disagree? Or that life™’s potentially infinite promise was not matched by a sufficient number of life™ choices, agree, disagree, or neither agree nor disagree? Or that the various pathways to the premium upgrade, a goodlife™ are too exclusive, agree, disagree, or neither agree nor disagree? For example, in terms of a life™ partner, we note you were one of our users that were unable to find and maintain one during your life™ journey. We also note that you were one of our users who didn’t manage to find your life™’s work. There have been questions around a difficulty in maintaining work/life™ balance or a life™ balance as such; that there is general sense of unbalance; that the life™ choices on offer were ultimately bad choices or impossible choices; that ultimately each section of the wheel of life™ was incommensurate with the others, that the wheel of life™ could, in fact, roll over and crush users, which made it ultimately difficult to appreciate life™’s wonders, agree or disagree or neither agree nor disagree? If you had the choice, would you choose life™ again? If you have made a mistake or did not choose to end your life™, please be aware it is at present impossible to resume your service, as related in the life™ terms and conditions. In the event of an afterlife™ package becoming available, is this something you would consider? We’re sorry that your life™ was not fully to your satisfaction. We’re sorry to see you go.
From issue #15: spring/summer 2023
About the Author
J. S. Loveard is a writer. Currently at work on a novel, Common Place, he is a doctoral student in Literary Practice at the University of Warwick and also lectures and teaches at the Centre of Academic Writing (CAW) at Coventry University. He lives in Leamington Spa in the UK.
